Can't Sleep
Here's a short story I wrote back in 2007, when I was living in China. I was restless in the evening and so took a walk, when I came back home I sat down and wrote this. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I have added some photos to flesh out the story.
Can't sleep.
Thoughts swirl and torment my mind like demons who refuse to leave an empty house, inhabiting it only for their own amusement. A strange week has preceded this writing as I mould and adapt to the chinese lifestyle. Go for a walk. The fuzzy lamplight spills onto the road which leads me away from my apartment and gives way to the street proper. That's the thing I grew to hate about the suburbs there's nothing there, but here, on a cold Friday evening, there are people plenty, strolling or traveling from one place to another. From the familiar riverside path the large orange lit buildings stand, their size and eminence seems to grow and bask in the burnt orange light like a celebrity accepts praise.
Thoughts swirl and torment my mind like demons who refuse to leave an empty house, inhabiting it only for their own amusement. A strange week has preceded this writing as I mould and adapt to the chinese lifestyle. Go for a walk. The fuzzy lamplight spills onto the road which leads me away from my apartment and gives way to the street proper. That's the thing I grew to hate about the suburbs there's nothing there, but here, on a cold Friday evening, there are people plenty, strolling or traveling from one place to another. From the familiar riverside path the large orange lit buildings stand, their size and eminence seems to grow and bask in the burnt orange light like a celebrity accepts praise.
The still night air carries the sound of music from the far side of the river, I feel drawn, following some kind of piper. Navigating the street I arrive too late, the crowd dispersing around me, water flowing around a singular rock. But this is not a daunting night, not a dark and dangerous place as the sight of children roller blading snaps me from this moment with the suddenness of a slap across the face. It's a playful slap and the surroundings change to one of community, I realise that this is just another night and everyone is going about their business. All individuals making up the scene, players in an orchestra creating the sum of their parts.
Ever present is the feeling of being on the outside. The language, both spoken and written still refuses to give up its secrets and no matter how hard I try it remains outside my reach. A puzzle. Whichever way you look at it, it denies its information. Perhaps a joke that you don't get; you can understand the people are laughing but you don't know why.
The smells of the street, made sharp and acrid by the cold air, greet me. A visitor who refuses to leave. The surroundings assault the nose as much as the eyes. I walk past the Century Mart, my local supermarket, this has become familiar to me now but still unease rests lightly upon me. The feeling of being on the outside? No, the reminder of my inability to converse, people can become something to dodge, to avoid. I cross the street and decide to meander down an alley, a side street where life is rich and vibrant. The night alive with people living. To the chinese this is all familiar, comfortable, nothing will seem out of the ordinary and I feel my senses slowly giving way to the same relaxation. My curiosity demands my eyes take it all in, the power of the smells force my nose to do the same. Food stands, varied yet somehow similar share the sides with bread shops, glass displays showing nuts and seeds, books and fruit all compete for business in front of the the brick and mortar shops.
The smells of the street, made sharp and acrid by the cold air, greet me. A visitor who refuses to leave. The surroundings assault the nose as much as the eyes. I walk past the Century Mart, my local supermarket, this has become familiar to me now but still unease rests lightly upon me. The feeling of being on the outside? No, the reminder of my inability to converse, people can become something to dodge, to avoid. I cross the street and decide to meander down an alley, a side street where life is rich and vibrant. The night alive with people living. To the chinese this is all familiar, comfortable, nothing will seem out of the ordinary and I feel my senses slowly giving way to the same relaxation. My curiosity demands my eyes take it all in, the power of the smells force my nose to do the same. Food stands, varied yet somehow similar share the sides with bread shops, glass displays showing nuts and seeds, books and fruit all compete for business in front of the the brick and mortar shops.
A left turn.
I stop at a crowd, unable to resist the allure of knowing what they're looking at. It's a small TV playing, a comedy show, the slapstick nature not lost in translation I decide to stand a watch for a time. Stares. I fight my reaction to take these as hostile, it's a foreigner, they want to see, no harm done. Say "hello"? I continue down these crowded streets the cold numbing my ears and the tip of my nose. I accept these surroundings, something new to be embraced not confused or shunned. There is so much detail in these surroundings, see this here, look at that there, strange yet becoming familiar.
I stop at a crowd, unable to resist the allure of knowing what they're looking at. It's a small TV playing, a comedy show, the slapstick nature not lost in translation I decide to stand a watch for a time. Stares. I fight my reaction to take these as hostile, it's a foreigner, they want to see, no harm done. Say "hello"? I continue down these crowded streets the cold numbing my ears and the tip of my nose. I accept these surroundings, something new to be embraced not confused or shunned. There is so much detail in these surroundings, see this here, look at that there, strange yet becoming familiar.
I can accept China, can she accept me?
I exit the narrow place and once again the night grows large, encompassing the view up and down the river. The misty, savourable air absorbing the glow of city lights. I find my way back through the gates of the school, the common point, all must pass. The scene quietens, fewer people, cold flourescent lights on the main building's top floor. I am mesmirised by the bright lights of the welding on the construction neighbouring the school. This green wrapped behemoth casting off shards of light in the way spotlights tell all of a grand opening.
I exit the narrow place and once again the night grows large, encompassing the view up and down the river. The misty, savourable air absorbing the glow of city lights. I find my way back through the gates of the school, the common point, all must pass. The scene quietens, fewer people, cold flourescent lights on the main building's top floor. I am mesmirised by the bright lights of the welding on the construction neighbouring the school. This green wrapped behemoth casting off shards of light in the way spotlights tell all of a grand opening.
I journey upwards towards my apartment. My inner sanctum. My neighbours; we warmly greet each other and disappear inside respectively. My home is warm compared to the cold winter evening. I’m in the mood to write.